Well, posting every/ every other day hasn’t really worked out so far- HOWEVER watch me spin this into something positive (hopefully). The past three weeks have honestly contained some of the biggest ups and downs I have experienced in a while. For a month I had been going to the gym every day and had been experiencing really positive results- I could feel my energy increasing, my metabolism shifting, and my body was beginning to reflect how I was feeling on the inside. (But, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked, sorry I couldn’t help it.) But then I had the misfortune to basically contract the plague (not actually however it was terrible and I have no interest in experiencing it ever again)- I was flat on my back in bed for just over a week. During that week one of the people I had asked to write a reccomendation letter backed out, basically telling me that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into (of course I don’t, I’ve never been to graduate school before however I digress) and decided that it was an ‘ethical’ problem to write me the letter. Dear readers, this is where the darkness I have made peace with crept back into my life. Even after I had recovered from my illness, I didn’t return to the gym and felt myself slipping back into some of my unhealthier habits.
I was reverting back to months before I embarked on my 100 Days of Healthy, and there was some small part in my mind that was okay with this as I had been here before. The logic is not exactly sound, but sometimes brains work in really interesting and round about ways. The other night I got together with three of my best friends from High School for Annie’s mac and cheese (the only packaged mac and cheese worth eating), wine, and a viewing of our 8th grade musical. After several glasses of wine we all settled down and braced ourselves for the cringe worthy moments that were to surely come. I found myself fearing seeing 13 year old me, dreading the moment when I would walk across the stage and take my place at the front of the dance number (for those who know me now, yeah I was in the front of the choreographed dance number). However, much to my shock when I saw a newly minted teenage me cross the stage I wasn’t the obese blubber ball I had thought I was, I was a normal middle schooler. I couldn’t look away, I just kept staring at the screen in disbelief. The next morning when my friends had departed and I was left to nurse my slight hangover and get back on track I took it upon myself to look at photos of myself from High School. What I saw shocked me. All through High School and College (even now) the concept of myself, the image I perceive is unattractive and boarder line grotesque. My self image is dipped in insecurity and garnished with, what I recognize now to be, body dysmorphia.
It was time to get myself back on track.
Today is the first day in two weeks I will have been back at the gym. I’m nervous, but mostly I’m excited to be getting myself back on the track I’ve created for myself. I’m going to be gentler on my body mentally, and not let the depression, anxiety and body dysmorphia take over again. That isn’t to say that there won’t be lower days, because I am human and honestly the idea of being a perfect individual is boring to me and I have no interest in pursuing it. I’m also done with looking back and allowing myself to go back to where I have been mentally and physically using the twisted rational ‘well I’ve been there before so it’s not really that bad.’ I am going to be ruthless and selfish in my quest for a healthier me.
Until tomorrow (hopefully)